Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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