I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
