I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
