How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
