My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm sobbing to NWA
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
