There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
