somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
