Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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