It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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