had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
