I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Boobs are out for the taking
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
