Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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