I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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