At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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