So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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