I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize