Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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