Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
