There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
