dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
