the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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