you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
