someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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