You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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