Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
