My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize