The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
