The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
