The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
