I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
