I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
