He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
