I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
That accounts for only three of the penises
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
