Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
