cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I just want nice things and good sex
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
