You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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