I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize