Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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