yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
ugly people sure do ruin things
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
