thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
