Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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