I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
