I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
