You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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