i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
