I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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