There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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