Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
