none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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