i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
