I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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