so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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