i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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