Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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