Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
