going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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