I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
