OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
