i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
