My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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