the new term for farting is butt boxing.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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