I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
you inspire me to be a worse person
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
